Relieved but caged

I wish there was a name for the ability to watch yourself go through your own life. To sit back and observe your routines. To watch yourself waste time. To grieve the days that have passed and will never come again. Every epiphany only lasts a few days. Then it fades, leaving behind the bitter taste of a version of you that once squeezed everything out of life. Doom scrolling has become the norm. Now, when you come across something that could actually help you find your way, you swipe past it at the speed of light. Not because it’s useless, but because it triggers something in you. And when you’re not on your screen, your eyes are shut. Not resting, but escaping. In that world, you take advantage of every opportunity. You even create your own doors. You move with clarity. You become everything you know you could be. And that’s the problem. Because in reality, that same understanding doesn’t excite you. It torments you. You hear people talk about their struggles, their obstacles, the things holding them back. And instead of feeling sorry for them, you feel something else. Relief. Because at least they have a reason. Something to point at. Something to blame. But what happens when you know that the only thing standing in your way is you? Knowing all of this, having the awareness, having the ability to think and even articulate it like this… and still doing nothing, feels like being trapped in a machine where you are both the victim and the one operating it. And the craziest part is, you don’t even have compassion for yourself. You just keep pushing the machine further. You’ve gotten used to the pain. Maybe you even appreciate it. Because it’s the only thing that reminds you that not all of you is gone. That tight, gut-twisting feeling… it’s proof you’re still here. But there’s something darker underneath it. The fear that the moment you stop feeling it, the moment it all goes quiet, is the moment you’ve completely lost. And maybe that’s your version of hell. Not fire. Not punishment. Just awareness without action. Maybe you need help. Or maybe…